too much to say. We spent four days apart and things looked good but they're not, they're still not and I am struggling to keep my head above water. Everything keeps getting uglier and it's not like we're giving up but it's like we also don't know how to move on. Said some things I would take back. Today has been so hard. Drove home in silence, fought, wanted to cry. Sat in the car while he laid out his frustrations with my petty behavior. I am hurting someone I love deliberately because I don't know how to just look him in the eye. I am humbled. Cried at breakfast. Don't know how to say. Why is this where this is? Around each other we are monsters. He says sometimes I refuse to smile for him on purpose and he knows this. Who is this person. I hurt and he hurts and we are trying everything to save it but I feel broken down inside like I don't know anything and all my attempts feel so shabby and pathetic and I don't even know how to talk about this because I am so sad we are here together but can't be here together, not like this, distant and aching and something impassable and fuck, what the FUCK how do I fix this.

I don't know what it is but we've just been MEAN to each other the past few days and it hurts. Got an email from him this morning saying that I should stop with the pervy humor as it's getting tired. I don't know what to say to that. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.

dios

Today has felt like a very very very very, very, long day.

Lastly;

my baby rat passed away yesterday.

yes and so

I would smoke pot all the time if I could make things gone.

fini

How dare you. How dare you--


inferring my intention distorted, selfish, cruel.
I would tell you.

I would tell you but you would not try to understand, not from me, the one always
asking,

(like it couldn't be wrong)
probing, always

needing to open

what I can't swallow
which is you.

Also

I really wish my relatives would stop adding me on Facebook. NO, you cannot meet my internet alter-ego and Uncle Jeff please stop commenting on my status.

Cannot Deal

with anything, everything. A somber mood seems to infiltrate all surfaces and what this will bring I cannot control. Angry for me and for you. Angry at our struggle with this. God we are better--have to be, or this will not hold, at least not forever. And what is forever, anyway? Where is the line--always the boundaries with us--and what is its use? We ask ourselves that too many times. How do I tell you. How do I tell you. You, undone by what is good about you--how can I ask you not to be? I seem to wait here endlessly, begging distantly from my corner and I never move. No, I see your face instead, endlessly laughing with me in bed under the covers so your roommates won't hear us, naked, each others presence so safe, so sure. And we know without saying. But yet this, why this I always ask--the kite still motionless?